Is it only Monday??

I did not sleep well last night. Well, I slept..but you know, it was the kind of sleep where there were a lot of things buzzing through my mind. I guess, after a week off work, i got kind of frantic thinking of the awfully chaotic week that's about to start!

Back to happy thoughts.

Took a week off last week. Tried to switch off the blackberry but kept receiving smses from the office to "please advice/ please review / please respond" sigh...I have really sold my soul to the devil haven't I? Oh well, cari makan macam tu lahh.

And back to happy thoughts.

As usual we did not have any plans for the school holidays. Hang Tuah as usual non-committal every time I asked (since like 3 months ago) as to what we'd do for the school holidays. He would either avoid answering or answer half way and then quickly change topic..and as of Monday last week still no clue. So I took it that we wouldn't have any plans.

Nasar and I drew up a schedule of stuff that we'd do which was basically, 1) swimming every day 2) going to the zoo which is just down the road 3) going to petrosains 4) going to the movies 5) going to mak tok's 6) picnic-ing at Morib (MORIB okkkk) just so that he could have a place with enough wind to fly this kite his atok bought for him the week before to fly at Morib too 7) go makan at any place he chooses to (amboi - blank cheque ke apa??)

I was already at the verge of merajuk-ing with Hang Tuah sebab at least he could've taken a day off to go to Morib with us kan?? I think he felt the heat, sebab on Tuesday afternoon while we were lazing at home and after he saw that I bought a PSP for MYSELF to entertain MYSELF, he said - Jom pi SIngapore besok!!! Yahoooo!

So off we were to Singapore. It's amazing how each time we go to Singapore I feel like we are in a land far-far away from Malaysia. The air is different, the landscape is different, the trees are greener. Macam biasa, we went to the Zoo and Sentosa Island. It was fun this time because suddenly Nasri wanted to try out the Luge at Sentosa and even went on the snow sled/tube thing at Snow City. He also tried loads of stuff at the Science Center, which was great! It was fun seeing him have fun and seeing the boys having fun together. Didn't do much shopping cos we were too tired to walk down Orchard after two full days out in the sun plus duit dah habis beli PSP and sebagainya masa merajuk dengan Hang Tuah kan?? But the sales looked pretty good. Ohh, Shasha was left with the MakTok sebab tak muat kereta! Looks like we'll have to get an MPV soon!

Friday balik and ada la pulak sedara mara datang and tidor rumah. So it was masak memasak galore - asam pedas ikan baung, kijang with black pepper and ginger, masak lomak ayam etc..etc.. Penat, but happy.

So, today is Monday, no more happy thoughts. One Board Meeting coming up, a couple of presentations tomorrow and the normal hustle and bustle of stuff that work just is. Sighh..bila lah boleh jadi tai-tai and lepak rumah, pergi spa and overhaul badan (that's Hang Tuah's word for "pergi slimming" ok - tapi dia tak nak bayar. Now, is that fair????).

Transported to the Sixties!

It started on Friday night with Dad's belated birthday celebration. He wanted seafood, so we took him out to the Chinese restaurant at KLCC. We had steamed cod, steamed patin with ginger, prawns with dried chilli, some sesame chicken with lemon sauce etc..etc.. Of course, we were stuffed by the time we finished. And of course, I did not take any pics cos that's how bad a blogger I am!!

Then we went to this place not far from KLCC. Hang Tuah and I discovered this spot last week when having teh tarik with sis in law whose office is in the same building. We were transported to a different era, the time of the 60s where people dance to the twist, samba, chacha dan sebagainya. Dan di tempat ini juga lah you will find people of the age of 60 and above reliving years of their youth..dancing to the music of the 60s (adalah jugak dangdut (oh tidakkkkkk), poco-poco (oh tidaakkkkk lagi) dan sebagainya). Since Dad used to do quite a bit of ballroom dancing during his Brinsford Lodge days I thought he would like to see this. It was fun. You'd see these uncles and aunties dancing with each other macam zaman dulu-dulu. And these are aunties who are now wearing tudung and i am assuming they are mak hajis and neneks already! It was innocent fun and the dancing was waaaaaaay decent from the clubbing scenes of the 90s (hello Modestos and Boom Boom Room!). They all danced in place and it was very organised and not chaotic. Siap jalan tunduk-tunduk lagi, bila nak jalan to the dance floor, singgah-singgah meja orang lain to salam dulu and all. I can imagine how they were in those olden days wearing their tight kebayas or dresses masa joget lambak, walking demurely..smiling shyly and all. SO polite like that.

It took me a while to tune my ears to the music..We're talking Ahmad Jais etc okk...P Ramlee tu ok lagi lah, and there was a bit of Elvis in the end which I would've danced to if Mr Hang Tuah weren't there!! Haha. If mom was willing to dance (she says she's a "damn" good dancer - and dad agreed), I am sure abah would've gone dancing the night away. But mama was like "Not anymore!!" and was happy to just sit and laugh at the pakciks huffing and puffing (Go uncle go!!)on the dance floor. It was good fun; but two weeks in a row of the 60s is a bit much for me. I'll be staying away for a while!

By the way Mak Teh - Mama said, if you ada..mesti dah control the dance floor! By the way, it's not a disco ok..it's a coffee house with some free space and a band. Kena clarify sebab Nasar was all high browed ala ala officer JAIS or JAWI, like "IS THIS A DISCO???" issh..isshh budak A*ni ni sorang. Takkan la your mom will bring YOU and your GRANDPARENTS to a disco okk???

The rest of the weekend was pretty mellow. Dentist visits, swimming, mall ratting etc.etc.. We're still trying to figure out what to do these school hols. In the meantime the kids have been shipped back to the grandparents for a couple of days; which leaves just Dang Anum and Hang Tuah in the house! Apalah agaknya Dang Anum nak berbual dengan Hang Tuah tiap-tiap malam ya? I'll prepare a list of topics of things to talk to him about(are we that bad???)..Oh dear, it will also mean that Dang Anum will need to iron Hang Tuah's shirts! Alamak..(yes, I am that bad) and actually, sejak bila I jadi Dang Anum ni?????!

The *itch Who Turned 34

I intended to write something more intelligent, something worth reading like the saga of Perak, my take on the Obamas etc.. but then I figured, sod it. I’ll go with bimbo old me. Haha, bimbo-brained, not bimbo looking obviously since there’s still those pounds to shed, a haircut long overdue and no make-up on my face, stretch pants and now I am wondering why I even bother explaining, since it is obvious isn't it!

Where do I start? April was a crappy month. The planets were aligned weird which brought out the *itch in me (you can use either “w” or “b” in place of the *) and that just put me in a permanent scowl most of the month.

I turned 34 you see. Don’t you just think 34 smells just foul? I was ok with 33. I was ok when I was 30. 34 just tells you that, err 35 is next year? And that ain’t good. Made me grumpy the whole month. Top that up with the fact that N was away most April and when he got back, just 3 days shy of my birthday he went away again and only came back on my birthday, tired. Fell asleep, forgot about it altogether. Until today. Moan, moan. Bloody hell – I turned thirty blardy four!! And he slept???

That just put me off for the rest of the month and that was the end of April.

And yeah, that’s just how much of an airhead I am.

May, started out better. With age you tend to forget fast, I guess. I was fine for the first few weeks, enjoying life, the kids, Lipsick Jungle and all in life that’s dandy.

And then school exams came along.

It was a wake up call. I had to descend from the clouds, from the Land of Where My Son is A Genius and Does Not Need Help, to the Land of HELLPPPP, Seriously, We Need Help! Aiseh…Nasar was so laid back, he had a schedule all drawn up which basically said - study everything the night before the exams. Whaaaat??? And then, masa tuuu lah, I nak check buku dia from front to end and then switch to guilty mom mode sebab then I realised that Nasar actually needs lots and lots of coaching and needs me to sit down next to him to make sure he does his revision sebab his attention span adalah sebesar nyamuk. Kesian dia. Of course, when I was tired, I switched from guilty mom aka nice mom to *itch mode which then sent me back to guilty mom mode and then back to *itch mode. Kesian Nasar kan? Sighhh, you can never win. I have since bought a book on “What Real Moms Should Know” and have promised myself that I will actually read it someday instead of just using it as a coaster.

N was not of any help by the way. While I was nagging at Nasar up to the wee hours of the morning, he just stared at his computer. I swear he must have been asking himself all the time “What is this THING I married??” Aiseh…You can never win lah kan? And no, I will not get a book on How to Be a Better Wife. Sod it for now.

Exams are over. I have smooched Nasar silly in various attempts of redemption and hoping that I have not scarred him for life. My son is too sweet – he says he loves me no matter what. Sedih pulak dengar and here I go feeling guilty all over again..

May is now coming to an end. I am now normal. I think. The blardy thirty four year old*itch will stay in the closet for a while, while I happily turn on to bimbo mode and pretend I am actually eighteen. Bliss.

Here’s to June! Woooot!

Weekly Rant

SO.. Nasar finally went to his holiday camp and sure enough, I lost lots of sleep. I got him a phone (sshhhh..Hang Tuah doesn’t know about this) and that somewhat gave me my peace, although I did not appreciate Nasar calling me at 5.45am asking “where did you put my boxers Mama?”, and then an incident where in between sobs he frantically informed me that he lost ALL his bags! I should have known better and not have freaked out like I did, because hardly two seconds later he happily called me back from the bus to say that the bags were there and that he just “forgot” where he put them. Scatterbrain!

I was hoping that he would have found some time to miss me amidst all the fun that I knew he was having, but when asked whether he missed me, he just shrugged and said “Don’t know” which obviously means “Of course not Mom!”. Sighh.. I have to accept that my baby is growing and that I have to slowly let go. It’s coming earlier thanI would like it to though.

Nasri turned 7 last Monday. Time flies.. The birthday bash with the rest of the March and April babies of the family was fun. Nasri had his turn to blow his cake too, which was nice.. I am still trying to find who took the photos, cos I want a copy please??? On Monday the 16th which was his real birthday, I had a little breakdown. I wanted to get home early to take Nasri out for ice-cream or something. I wanted to celebrate and make the day special. It was already late by the time I wrapped up things in the office, and I was rushing like mad just to be home before he falls asleep. When I told Hang Tuah of my plans he just stared at me…I knew what he was thinking, “It’s not like he knows it’s his birthday”. It struck me hard; and it hurt. Actually, I’m not sure what I felt. Hurt? Guilt? Anger? Grief? I don’t know. But whatever it was, it was painful and it was one of those days when it was so darned difficult to be strong, knowing all the beautiful things in life that Nasri’s missing and feeling so helpless. What kind of mother can't help her child?

I am ok now though. No point in wallowing in self pity, although I have decided that it is ok for me to break down and let it out every once in a while. The kids have been great in helping me with this..There's always something to laugh about and Nasya’s new antiques do so much to cheer me up. There are a gazillion things to look forward to anyways lah kan?

Happy Birthday My Sayang!

Always at night as I put you to sleep
And nestle my nose in your sweet soft hair
Watching your eyes slowly droop into a close
And your face a picture perfect sereneness
My heart swells with joy and
I thank God for sending me you
My little angel

And at night as you toss and turn
Arms reached out to hug me close
And once more my nose shall rest in your hair
Breathing in your heavenly scent
It envelopes me in a strange calm happiness
And I thank God for sending me you
My little angel

And the days when your sweet smile
Greets me as you flutter your sleepy eyes open
To welcome me in the morning
For yet another day together
You make me feel like a Queen
And I thank God for sending me you
My little Angel

And for the days we discover new things together
Cry over our little pains together
Laugh over little silly things we do together
Rejoice over the precious words that you utter
You make me feel like a million dollars
Yet again, I thank God for sending me you
My little angel

And for the nights when I hold you tight
Your cheeks moist with my silent tears
For I wish I could make life better
For you who makes my life so fulfilled
But I am just a mother with so many flaws
And I can only thank God for sending me you
My little precious Angel

Seven years ago I couldn’t imagine life with you
Seven years on, I can’t imagine life without you
Every inch of you in my eyes is perfect
I couldn’t dream of anything more
So everyday I whisper a little thank you
To God for sending me you
My sweet little precious Angel

Happy Birthday my sayang, Nasri. Love you forever and ever, no matter what...

republished from www.anedra.blogspot.com

Si Gendut Anedra

I have been blaming my c-section for the sorry state of affairs that my tummy is in now. Sebab tak urut during the pantang, and pantang "rocker", the perut which used to be rumah pangsa dua tingkat, can now be called a high-densed condominium! Haha! Yes, I laugh at it, but it really isn't funny anymore.

Firstly, these days I need to pull up my shirt often for breast pumping operations (oh, it would be nice if it were for xxx purposes. ishh..isshh..), and naturally the sight of the condominium complex of fats is not very errr..sightly? So macamana nak dapat more xxx activities?? isshh..ishhh..sidetrack lagi! Sometimes while I am in the midst of pumping, I can actually see N glancing at my tummy and is it my imagination or did I actually see a shudder? But he's been nice about it by not saying anything in fear of rebuttals from me to refer to his tummy which has prospered along mine. Somehow, it's ok for men to have tummies?? How come?

Secondly, let's not even mention getting into my clothes. My bum seems to be ok, and my thighs are ok too..Ok as in meaning that they were the same L size as before, but buttoning up at my waist is a real effort! Imagine the Kimora Lee Simmons scene where she's actually lying down on the floor buttoning up her jeans with help from an aide! Except that my aide kuat menceceh..."Mama..you are FAT! Just buy new jeans lahhh!" Thanks Nasar for telling me something I already know!

I know I need to start exercising but I am just to darned lazy. The pool is just beckoning me to take a dip every day, but whenever I do have the time, I don't feel like getting my hair wet. The treadmill upstairs is collecting dust and I shall let it collect more dust (I hate running) and messages from my aerobics instructor "DON'T WAIT TILL YOU GET FAT!..." have gone unanswered. Yes Linda....I will come soon (by the way, I love her classes. Fabulous belly dancing, bollywood high, salsa and all)

And because I live in denial (that's the only way to live?) i refuse to buy new clothes because I will, with the help of magic, lose weight, and become slimmer than my pre-pregnancy weight. And because I live in denial, I suck in my tummy every time I enter the lift at the office and when I leave my room at work in fear of people seeing the horrendous bulge I have. Stupid or not? Damn stupid isn't it? How long can I do this? Need I mention that I now have red marks on my tummy from wearing tight pants??

So I figured I'd better do something. Holding my breath in for long periods of time can't be good for my health. Starting from tomorrow, we start the GI Jane routine. Exercise at least 30 minutes each day. Go back to aerobics class. Eat less rice and more rabbit food. And since Nasar needs to lose weight, I'll drag him with me, for exercise la..not aerobics! Heck, I'll drag the whole house into this!

A magic wand would come in handy too. Afterall, looking at the amount of fat I need to lose, some serious magic will need to be done!

Tentang Nasar

I was home early from work yesterday and managed to have some mother-son time with Nasar. Nasri was asleep and Nasya was in the pool; so Nasar got my undivided attention which is so rare these days as he seems to be forced to give way to his younger siblings. We were happily munching into our doughnuts and he seemed pretty happy that it was just me and him; so I thought this would be a good time to talk to him about something I found out last weekend.

"So, is it true that you have a girlfriend at school?". Surprisingly, he didn't hesitate to nod while happily muching on. M - e "Ok...so I hear her name is A.S" to which he said "yup".

Ok....

"So what does it mean to have a girlfriend Nasar?"

"It means you like the girl lah"

"Does she like you too?"

"Nope" (So macamana boleh jadi girlfriend ni?)

"How do you know she doesn't like you?"

"A asked on my behalf. He told me to pay him RM10 for asking her. I didn't pay as I had only RM1"

"So, how is it that she's your girlfriend if she already said she doesn't like you? What is it about her that you like?"

He just shrugged and went on and on about the technicality of it, as in she just says that but actually it's different and that she used to pinch him (Hey?? Bukan ke ni sekolah Islam?? Mana boleh main cubit2!) but now she doesn't (and I'm wondering about the relevance of this pinching thing) etc..etc..and that he's ok that she said that she doesn't like him that way and that he doesn't feel hurt and that he likes her because she is cantik and ended it with "She just is my girlfriend lah" There were a few million other questions but the gist of it is that he has a crush, I think...and has no clue as to what a girlfriend should be, I think and knowing my son who has inherited the "Hang Tuah" genes from the dad, meaning macho tak bertempat - of course has no clue on techniques on wooing a gal. Not that it is of any importance or relevance at the age of EIGHT.

Ayooo... I am worried now. One - that they are actually having boyfriend girlfriend talk at school at such a young age. Is this normal? I wouldn't know lah, being sent to all girl schools all my life. Two - that he may feel hurt but is not telling me. Kesian my baby. Being rejected at such a young age can't be healthy! Three - that I need to be teaching him the boundaries between boys and girls already. And that girls must be treated with respect. Four - I need to make sure that he will always have a friend in me so that he can always talk to me about things like this! But at the same time - I insist on being a MOTHER as in being the Empress DOwager of the house with every right to nag, set rules, make all decisions, punish and reward my kids as I deem fit. They have enough friends anyways, and only one mother kan? Is this contradicting ke?

Since we are on the topic of Nasar, it has been decided that he shall go for the holiday camp in some resort two hours away with school friends. I am totally freaking out. I did not in my heart of hearts want to allow him to go; but the dad was all for it and supported the son. He told me "You have no guts lah, you have to let him go a bit". Yes, I will let him go..when he's 20 or something! And about me not having guts..PUHLEASE lah...don't go there! I don't know..part of me agrees with N but the other part (the bigger part) of me says he's too young. Tak boleh ke sekolah dia buat excursion pi kilang chocolate je or something? Kan tak pasal-pasal dah ada internal dispute dah? And of course I lost. Empress Dowager my foot!

So anyways, I am already planning to secretly get him a handphone, so that his mama can call him 24-7. I am meeting the people in charge this week to get the full itinerary, people in charge, phone numbers, bus numbers etc. PLUS I am thinking of getting mom and dad to check into the hotel next to theirs. Of course Hang Tuah will not know of this, so sshhh.

Sigh...I just so know that I won't be able to sleep a wink when he's away!

Mommy of the Year

Alamak, thanks Superwomanwannabe (U definitely deserve Mommy of the Year - 5 of them ok!! And they've turned out great!!) for having me on your list, but I am soooo not worthy. It was tough enough trying to find 7 things that my kids love about me!! Here goes anyways lah..

1. Admit one thing you feel awful about (involving being a mom)

Not spending enough time with them..which brings me on endless guilt trips, which in the end, as I have learned is a vicious cycle because when I feel guilty, I lash out at them and at everyone around me, and things become worse. Not good, not good.

2. List 7 things you love about your kids, you love doing with your kids, or that your kids love about you.

I love it when they gulp down everything I cook, and when Nasar says "You're the best cooker in the world Mama!"

I love watching them sleep; they look like angels (and then transform into monsters at sunrise!)

I love hanging out with the boys in bed watching telly, or doing nothing. Having them both under my armpits, and then watching them fall asleep. Now I have Nasya added on to the troop, she gets to sleep on my chest!

They love it when I dance. Like really dance (ok - this only happens when the dad is not in the vicinity of our neighbourhood, but how else can a mom let loose kan?)..Nasri joins me, it's more hiphop with him..jumping all over the place. Nasar, since he became an ustaz, only watches and rolls his eyes; but I know he loves my lame Pulp Fiction moves (remember? Uma Therman and John Travolta?). I've caught him practicing some moves in front of the mirror though. Gotta teach him to be more spontaneous! Haha! Can't wait for Nasya to join us!

I love Nasya's toothless, wet grins. I love all their chubby smiles. Makes my day after a long day at work.

I love the way they smell even when they are masam. Until now I would cuddle and smell them at night when they won't notice that Mama's really a wuss that still needs to smell their hair so that she can sleep. Can you imagine my bedtime routine now that dah ada three kids to smell!?

I love the way they make me feel that everything else in this world is so tiny and unimportant when I am with them. The way they remind me that I have strengths that I never knew I had, that I am their best "resource" and that love like ours knows no end or boundaries; that they're my world and that they make everything I do worth it.

3. Send this to 5 other moms of the year that deserve a reminder that they too are the best moms that they can be.

1) Kak Oli - Not only because you have my cute little nephew the "Oh My Dawd Stinky Butt-Butt Boy" but also because you mothered more than 30 kids like they were your own!
2) Kak Teh ( and my other aunts who aren't on blogspot. Ooops, my mom too!) - for being such great examples to follow
3) Oodie ku sayang - cos she's the coolest, tiniest mom on earth I bet. Babes, I miss you lah. Jom lunch!
4) Ely - the rocker mommy
5) Makcik Melopong kat Dubai - The kitchen and mop diva whose children are my bakal menantu!

6) My Tok and Wan; which is no point cos I don't think they know how to switch on a computer, but can you imagine what they'd write if they could blog??

That's more than 5, I know. Typical me, I don't follow rules (bad mommy!)

UPDATE ON NASRI - Saturday 28 Feb 09

For the first time since two years ago, he cut his hair at the mamak's place and did not cry! I was just trying my luck seeing that Nasri is a lot more "stable" these days. He's always had problems with cutting his hair and I just wanted to test him that day.

Nasri was calm and sat still through out the whole 10 minute process of getting his hair done. Yaaaay for Nasri! !! He just smiled and let the abang mamak "style" his hair into place following instructions to "look down", "don't move" and "close your eyes"! Yaaaaay I am elated. Syukur Alhamdulillah! No more messy home-styled crimps!

Yesterday

It was my work from home day yesterday. Spent a couple of hours in the morning answering urgent calls from the office and getting some numbers out for boss who had meetings with the "Gods". I wonder why lah, these urgent requests always come on my day off. I shouldn't complain though, dapat this arrangement pun is really a big blessing!

Had a demo done by the Rainbow vacuum person and got suckered into buying a unit. N doesn't know this though. I thought I'll just buy it, so that since the "damage" is done there's nothing he can do about it kan? Just the way he thinks when he's buying his cars! haha! I thought it's a good buy though especially since Nasar's asthma became really bad this year and was hospitalised two weeks back because of it. N and I are allergic to dust, so are Dad and Deana...So it's justified right? I'll think of it as an investment. The problem now is, what do I say to N when he sees it? "Surprise!!" ?? Haha, gasak la nanti..

Playroom Note 26/2/2009:

I have decided to post my observations with Nasri in here whenever I can, mana tahu, dapat feedback yang bernas ke..

We spent 3 hours in the playroom today continuously. All food and drinks were put in the playroom for minimal disruption to our play. He wanted his bubbles most of the time and knows that he needs to ask when he wants them. Nasri can say "I - waaah - bubbeh" with perhaps 5 second gaps in between each word. TO say the whole sentence he needs some prompting. He normally just shouts BUBBEH when he wants it. So, now we're progressing to short sentences. A few weeks/months ago we struggled with the "want", only getting 'wwww" from him. So "waaaah" is good progress!

Eye contact - I'd consider it normal now. But that's with me. I need to observe how he is with strangers.

He likes the sleep game and prefers to sleep on his "banana boat" while I rock it and he pretends to sleep. I take this time to do his massages and sing songs. Used the Barney and Elmo puppets to sing to him, asking him to choose between Barney and Elmo. Hands down - it's always Elmo! He says 'Emmeh" for Elmo. Penat mama dia nyanyi, sebab dia tak tidur2! Need to learn more Elmo songs!

Note to self to check with therapists - how do i get him to be more spontaneous with his speech?

Note to self - get more volunteers! Looks like Fudz is leaving for uni at the end of the year and Nasri will lose his best-est play pal! If only I could chain her up in the room! (Sorry Fudz, that's just Aunty Dena being mean!)

He didn't want any table work yesterday..so it was three hours of bubbles, singing and silly games, if you can call them games, more roughing it out, tumbling over every where and laughing over nothing. He loved it - he really needed the attention. He has behavioural issues though now which surfaced after Nasya, so I really need to buck up and give him the attention he needs. How lah?

Note from therapists - concentration level has greatly improved. More control on his colouring techniques and very responsive during speech therapy. Practise, practice, practice! Says two-syllabled words better now..

Slowly but surely. Insyaallah.

Oh - just remembered that we'll be at the M Nasir concert this Sunday. I got suckered (can u see the trend here?) into going by N...I suppose M Nasir is better than the Ahmad Nawab concert though. I just couldn't relate to some of the singers like Ahmad Jais (white platform shoes ok!?) dan sebagainya. What to do, kawin orang tua macam ni lah.. generation gap!

The Day I am Feeling Bleerrggghh

I should rename this place to Being Stagnant with Anedra. Or, hmmm...Theres Nothing to Read at Anedra's or Anedra's Hangat-Hangat Taik Ayam Place. Kan?

Anyways, it's one of those days (which is like every other day these days) when I am feeling restless, that life's not right..or rather, where I am taking life ain't right. Every where I look, there's something wrong. My priorities aren't in the right place, my job is super-duper stressful at this point in time, my kids need attention that I can't 100% give at this time and I'm not sexy at this point in time. But oh, ponder-ponder..when was I ever sexy to begin with??

PMS? I don't know.. Can breast feeding mums have PMS when their cycles haven't re-started? I don't know.

On a brighter note, I am sooooo dying to blog about something that will happen soon! How lahh..kepochi-kepochi me. In my head, I am already planning everything..the colours, themes, what I will wear, the speech that I will give (I don't care - I am giving a speech no matter what, and spill ALL the beans!). It's such a lovely headache to have, this thing that will happen soon. Will blog about it once I get clearance from the people concerned, or do i really need clearance? Hubs is such a wet blanket...everytime I mention this thing to him, he has no expression whatsoever. Although I do know he is very happy for the people in concern. That's the problem with this Hang Tuah of mine. Would it affect his macho-ness to show any level of expression whatsoever? Boring betul.

Back to crappy old me - since I have been long neglecting the kids eversince work started, I can see that Nasri has been most affected. With Nasya now in the picture, he now seems to be fighting for attention. I don't blame the boy, he was the adik for almost 7 years and now he has to share the attention with his lil sister. I know he doesn't get it, him being on the spectrum and all. He hides under the blanket next to me and cries..he's taken this to a different level and now sometimes pees at the bathroom door and not in the loo like he normally does. I know he does it to get attention because he would pull my hand and show me his "accident". I suppose it's worse as he still can't speak, I suspect he also now notices that he's different. Sighh. SO, that took me on a very long guilt trip. Being a crappy mommy to Nasri, a crappy parent to Nasar (I think Nasya finds me funny cos she giggles whenever I'm around! woohoo!), a crappy wife. It doesn't matter that I'm a good boss because I know that if I leave it wouldn't take long for the company to forget me. But my kids? They're for life. Yet, I still contemplate on whether I should leave my job. Why? I suppose I hate to be insecure financially. I'd love to believe that my life would continue to be nice and dandy and that hubs would always be there as backup...but I've seen too many movies to also know that it could make a 180 degree turn and not be dandy. You know what I mean? I hate curve balls...I like to be prepared. I'm so not a risk taker, I'm so boring like that.

Boring kan?

Aaanyways, I will have to pull up my pants (ohh..they're one size larger now post Nasya - stress lagi!) or is it socks? and make sacrifices for the kids. I don't know if I could again wheel and deal my way through a better working arrangement with the bosses. I mean they've given me so much with the current one. It will probably take leaving the Group but hey, life is about sacrifices; and if I get thrown a curve ball, I'll just learn how to make nasi lemak or something, set up a stall somewhere...and tawakal.

Next - About not being sexy. Tapi sebab I'm so hangat2 taik ayam, you don't need to watch this space that often lah.

It's been a while since I last visited the doctor's clinic to get my kids jabbed for some form of immunisation or another. Yesterday, there I was once again in that familiar old place with Nasya in tow dreading the moment when the doctor pulls out the needle to just plunge it into my baby's cute little butt cheeks. It kills me to see them in pain, in whatever form in comes in, even the slightest degree of pain. It kills me.

However, it was a little different yesterday. As we waited for the doctor to arrive, I managed to see the front page of the papers, and there it was. A picture of three siblings killed in the horrid war in Gaza. All those children killed and wounded by the merciless animals raging this war against Gaza. It tore my heart. I can't imagine the grief that all those parents are going through. I can't imagine how angry they are, and how the heartbreak must feel. How it would kill me a million times over if i were to ever see my children forced to go though such atrocity and injustice!

So as the needle plunged into Nasya yesterday, the drama mama that I am, I felt her pain as she wailed away in that safe little clinic. I remember all those children in Gaza and sent them a little prayer, asking for a peaceful world for our children, thanking God for the safe Malaysia that we live in. I then tell my innocent screaming daughter to shush..compared to the bombs and shrapnel and bullets her little friends in Gaza are facing.... a little needle is nothing.