The Day I am Feeling Bleerrggghh

I should rename this place to Being Stagnant with Anedra. Or, hmmm...Theres Nothing to Read at Anedra's or Anedra's Hangat-Hangat Taik Ayam Place. Kan?

Anyways, it's one of those days (which is like every other day these days) when I am feeling restless, that life's not right..or rather, where I am taking life ain't right. Every where I look, there's something wrong. My priorities aren't in the right place, my job is super-duper stressful at this point in time, my kids need attention that I can't 100% give at this time and I'm not sexy at this point in time. But oh, ponder-ponder..when was I ever sexy to begin with??

PMS? I don't know.. Can breast feeding mums have PMS when their cycles haven't re-started? I don't know.

On a brighter note, I am sooooo dying to blog about something that will happen soon! How lahh..kepochi-kepochi me. In my head, I am already planning everything..the colours, themes, what I will wear, the speech that I will give (I don't care - I am giving a speech no matter what, and spill ALL the beans!). It's such a lovely headache to have, this thing that will happen soon. Will blog about it once I get clearance from the people concerned, or do i really need clearance? Hubs is such a wet blanket...everytime I mention this thing to him, he has no expression whatsoever. Although I do know he is very happy for the people in concern. That's the problem with this Hang Tuah of mine. Would it affect his macho-ness to show any level of expression whatsoever? Boring betul.

Back to crappy old me - since I have been long neglecting the kids eversince work started, I can see that Nasri has been most affected. With Nasya now in the picture, he now seems to be fighting for attention. I don't blame the boy, he was the adik for almost 7 years and now he has to share the attention with his lil sister. I know he doesn't get it, him being on the spectrum and all. He hides under the blanket next to me and cries..he's taken this to a different level and now sometimes pees at the bathroom door and not in the loo like he normally does. I know he does it to get attention because he would pull my hand and show me his "accident". I suppose it's worse as he still can't speak, I suspect he also now notices that he's different. Sighh. SO, that took me on a very long guilt trip. Being a crappy mommy to Nasri, a crappy parent to Nasar (I think Nasya finds me funny cos she giggles whenever I'm around! woohoo!), a crappy wife. It doesn't matter that I'm a good boss because I know that if I leave it wouldn't take long for the company to forget me. But my kids? They're for life. Yet, I still contemplate on whether I should leave my job. Why? I suppose I hate to be insecure financially. I'd love to believe that my life would continue to be nice and dandy and that hubs would always be there as backup...but I've seen too many movies to also know that it could make a 180 degree turn and not be dandy. You know what I mean? I hate curve balls...I like to be prepared. I'm so not a risk taker, I'm so boring like that.

Boring kan?

Aaanyways, I will have to pull up my pants (ohh..they're one size larger now post Nasya - stress lagi!) or is it socks? and make sacrifices for the kids. I don't know if I could again wheel and deal my way through a better working arrangement with the bosses. I mean they've given me so much with the current one. It will probably take leaving the Group but hey, life is about sacrifices; and if I get thrown a curve ball, I'll just learn how to make nasi lemak or something, set up a stall somewhere...and tawakal.

Next - About not being sexy. Tapi sebab I'm so hangat2 taik ayam, you don't need to watch this space that often lah.